I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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