I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A bitchslap is in order.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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