i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
