this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
