I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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