So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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