Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
