if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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