my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
