he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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