I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
