i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
