Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
