Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
