Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
