i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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