So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
