That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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