Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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