im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
