so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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