i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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