That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
