Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
