We won't sleep together?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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