I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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