My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
