Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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