Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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