Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
