My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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