quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
