if you like me you must not know who I am
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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