if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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