I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
