I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
