On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
