Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think i have two assholes
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
