im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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