btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
