You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
