There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
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Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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