Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
