Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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