You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The uberlube is also flammable
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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