at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
