Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
