from now on my penis is your penis
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
