You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
