Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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