id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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