Soap is not a condiment
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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