Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
