happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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