Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
