I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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