I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
