my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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